Posted by: datingoptimist | January 5, 2010

Rule #4: If I Pay, I Will Seek Counsel.

Rule #4:

If I find the urge to pay for a date, I will seek counsel.

As I stated before, me and many of my single friends really struggled with this rule.

I asked Laura (Committee Member) what she does in these situations.  She reluctantly said, “I always pay”. 

I asked my friend Amelia, a highly successful Clinical Trials Manager, what she does, and she said, “I usually pay for all dates”.  

Then I asked Lisa (Committee Member).  Lisa is the committee member that has no trouble speaking her mind.  Her comment to me was spit out like M60 bullet fire,  “Have you lost your mind?  If he asks you out then he pays for the date.  Don’t be stupid”.  Lisa never misses an opportunity to point out who is being stupid.  It is a trait that I have learned to love about her, after 15 years of friendship.

Today I still am not clear why all of my single friends but Lisa had trouble with this concept, but we did – and it had to stop.  I was fiercly determined to take Lisa’s marching orders and move ahead with it.  I had dated most of my life by paying for most of the dates, and that hadn’t led to a relationship success, so what did I have to lose by letting the guy pay for the first date?

I must be clear that I was not looking for a man to take care of me.  But rather,  I was looking for a sign from my date that he had some chivalry, character and charm.  And since my new plan required that I change, and listen carefully, and learn from my mistakes, then this seemed like an easy one to carry out.

So I carefully instructed all of my single friends to not pay for the first date, but rather, thank the gentleman for being a gentleman.    All of us learned to look the other way,  while silently gritting our teeth when the check arrived.   There were subtle, but clever techniques we all shared and developed together.  We helped each one of us to learn to move away from the check.  And all of us counseled each other on successes and failures for this very simple set of rules (See Rule #3 – I Will Not Pay).

After each date, I reported to the Committee how I had successfully and gracefully allowed the nice guys to shine, and be a gentleman.

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